News from Paddington, 2015-09-04

@mildbyte (RSS) on Sept. 4, 2015 (2 years, 8 months ago)

Tags: paddington | writing



Guess what time it is! It's time to paddle over here for yet another edition of News from Paddington!

  • There are two benefits to a long weekend. First, the weekend is long. Second, the week after it is short.
  • There's a Bloomberg Television above News from Paddington's desk. The Bloomberg Television loves making shitty puns. For example, "Oil Eyes On Fed". This is strictly worse than BBC's puns, for example, "Chinese stock exchange a scene of wonton destruction".
  • The Bloomberg Television also loves talking about the interest reeds and whether the interest reeds will rise in September. Full disclosure: News from Paddington is long spicy wings from Chicken Cottage on Praed Street. "Chicken Cottage on Praed Street! It's really good!"
  • "Wait, I remember you!" -- everyone, meet Kenneth. Kenneth works in M&S on Edgware Road and remembers the previous time News from Paddington wanted to buy alcohol (in fact, he is the person who claimed that News from Paddington looks older than him). It would appear that News from Paddington has a friend. It feels weird, having a friend.
  • The Nothing Hill Carnival! Police helicopters, unfinished bottles of alcohol on every horizontal surface near News from Paddington's headquarters and lots of people having no idea how they ended up in Paddington!
  • The escalator on Paddington station was broken today and News from Paddington had to take a scenic route, taking the Circle Line to the headquarters of News from Edgware Road and then continuing to Waterloo and then taking the Waterloo and City Line, which is probably the most depressing place in London, as it only has two stops (Waterloo and Bank) and serves solely to take people that arrive from the commuter belt to Waterloo to work in the City and back.
  • News from Paddington went to the bar yesterday with its coworkers, which entailed taking a lift down. When the completely packed lift instead went up and seconds later opened to a floor with some lawyers from a firm upstairs who were looking really angry at the fact that the lift was full, News from Paddington decided to be social and said "Hello!" Awkward silence, doors close, lift goes down.

More announcements!

It is with great regret that News from Paddington has to announce the death of King William Chilango, founder of Chilango on King William Street and the owner and sole proprietor of King William Street where Chilango on King William Street is located. Mr William Chilango died in a terrible accident during a kayaKING trip with his close friend, Stephen King. In the words of Mr King, the death of Mr William Chilango is "an enormous tragedy. I would like to express my full condolences to Will's family. But hey, that fucker shouldn't have named himself King. There can be only one and I enjoyed taking his lif... wait, are you still recording? Turn that off right now!"

During the search for a new sponsor, News from Paddington spoke to Robert 'Zen' Pirsig. Mr 'Zen' Pirsig is perhaps known best for being the only person who has been to the mysterious town of Motorcycle Maintenance. His accounts of various items of art discovered in this town are documented in his autobiography titled Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance.

Back in 1974, when this book was released, the baby boomers who had spent their twenties smoking weed and enjoying the prosperous economic times were suddenly beginning to become aware of their own mortality and the need to finally face the real world. Trying to escape that, they sought something spiritual and mistook Mr 'Zen' Pirsig's book for exactly that.

In a sorry attempt at damage control, the namesake of the science of Ecology, Umberto Eco, tried to embed subliminal messaging into Foucalt's Pendulum, saying "But you, to avenge yourselves on the bourgeoisie you hadn't managed to overthrow, sold them videocassettes and fanzines, brainwashed them with Zen and the Art of Motorcycle Maintenance. You've made us buy, at a discount, your copies of the thoughts of Chairman Mao, ...", but failed. Mr 'Zen' Pirsig's creation got out of hand and brought him to international fame.

Decades later, Mr 'Zen' Pirsig owns the trademark on the Creative Zen line of portable music players, has a claim at having invented the idea of citiZENship, and has founded multiple stores, restaurants and religions. Of interest to News from Paddington is a restaurant called ChoZen Noodle on Praed Street. We asked Mr 'Zen' Pirsig about this restaurant.

"Mr 'Zen' Pirsig, how would you describe your restaurant in two words to a newcomer?"
"Well, it serves noodles and sushi and... hmm, that's not two words, right? I'd say it's... an exciting place. Yes, that's right, an exciting place."
"Yes, but would you say that it's good?"
"Hmm? Well, of course it's good! Why would I ever say oth..."
"We understand, Mr 'Zen' Pirsig, but... well, how good is your restaurant?"
"What do you mean? I like it myself, but everyone is free to have their own opinion about..."
"No, Mr 'Zen' Pirsig, we're afraid we're not on the same page. See, we've been contacted by the editor of the Michelin guide and he is interested in hearing more about your restaurant. How would you..."
"Really? Good! I--"
"Thank you, Mr 'Zen' Pirsig!"

This has been News from Paddington with Mr 'Zen' Pirsig. This edition of News from Paddington was brought to you by ChoZen Noodle on Praed Street. "ChoZen Noodle on Praed Street! It's really good!"



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