News from Paddington, 2015-09-11

@mildbyte (RSS) on Sept. 11, 2015 (2 years, 8 months ago)

Tags: paddington | writing



"Excuse me, sir, do you know how to get to Chicken Spot?"
"You mean, Chicken Cottage?"
"No, Chicken Spot. Someone told me it's really go- OH GOD WHY DID YOU STAB ME?!"
"Sorry, my grandmother died today and the only thing humans can do in the face of mortality is laugh, so here goes..."

Well, butter my butt and call me a biscuit, it's time for more news from Paddington!

  • When News from Paddington was a really small News, it really liked vacations. What can be better than not having to go to school where the only thing you could do was practising teenage politics? But then things changed and News from Paddington realised that not doing anything is quite boring and started to like studying. In fact, there was one term in which News from Paddington didn't miss any lectures at university and was really proud of it (disregard the fact that there were about 2.5 terms in a later year in which News from Paddington missed all lectures and was really proud of it as well). But now News from Paddington has this weird state of mind in which it likes when other people have vacations. Because when their vacations end, like they did this week, and News from Paddington's Tube train to Paddington becomes overcrowded to the point where News from Paddington's dinner from Chilango on King William Street gets squished, News from Paddington becomes very fucking pissed indeed and wishes it didn't have to work for a living.
  • News from Paddington recently realised that it's become famous for its KFC (yes, KFC. It would appear that News from Paddington doesn't practice what it preaches. This remark was sponsored by KFC on Praed Street. KFC on Praed Street! It's really good!) habit to many of its coworkers, including a couple of C-level executives. Hence it's been considering expanding its culinary horizons. So far it has tried:
    • An unnamed (probably not) Chinese/Korean restaurant on Praed Street whose menu includes "RAOST DUCK" (sic). It's okay!
    • Le Gourmet on Praed Street (Le stands for Lebanese). It's good!
    • A chicken-and-mushroom-and-rice meal made by a resident of the News from Paddington headquarters. It's good!
    • Microwave-cookable dim sum from Sainsbury's on Sheldon Square. It's okay!
    • Kanada-Ya on St Giles High Street. It's really good!
    • The office bar (yes, there's a regulation bar at the NfP day job that opens at 5:30 and sometimes serves free (!) food circa 8pm). It's... good?
  • Some residents of the headquarters of News from Paddington have decided to do productive things, such as cleaning up and vacuuming parts of the Headquarters, at 11:30 on a Thursday night. Judging by the fact that the outside door had creaked open and close several dozen times, they also are either moving out or moving bodies. It also seems that they didn't get the NfPHQ public announcement that the vacuum cleaner didn't have a bag in it.
    UPDATE: a very valuable resident of NfPHQ has indeed moved out. He left behind a flask that said "PhD" on it, which was indeed his occupation. The owner of the flask will be dearly missed.
  • There's a bottle in the trashcan that says "Aussie 3 Minute Miracle" on it, which is funnily also News from Paddington's nickname among the single ladies.
  • News from Paddington's disturbing gif of the week is this.
  • Bar culture is weird. This week, News from Paddington bought about 4 drinks for various people and consumed about a dozen. It pays to be a junior person in the company. News from Paddington also spent time in the bar on Monday, Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Tuesday was the day News from Paddington went home on a normal time and then its dinner from Chilango on King William Street got squished etc etc
  • On Thursday again, somebody tried to hang a massive poster off of London Bridge and then quickly took it down. While it was flapping in the wind, News from Paddington could recognise that it read "FEED HUMANS NOT...". The identity of the second part of the phrase still remains unknown. The top 3 candidates are "BANKERS", "INTO TEMPTATION BUT DELIVER THEM SPICY WINGS FROM CHICKEN COTTAGE ON PRAED STREET CHICKEN COTTAGE ON PRAED STREET IT'S REALLY GOOD" and "FAT HUMANS". News from Paddington will keep monitoring the events on London Bridge.
  • Speaking of the events on London Bridge, News from Paddington every morning routinely passes through 1) a Big Issue vendor named Sharon who's really popular over there 2) some people giving out Ocado vouchers 3) some people giving out %RANDOMSTARTUPOFTHEDAYOHWOULDYOULIKETOSUBSIDISESOMEOFYOURLIFESCONVENIENCESWITHVCMONEYYOUKNOWATSOMEPOINTITCOMESOUTOFYOURPENSIONFUNDBECAUSETHEBOEDIDNTRAISERATESTHISYEARANDSOTHEFUNDSARESEEKINGBETTERINFLATIONBEATINGINVESTMENTSANDSINCESTARTUPSARESOCOOLANDSEXYANDWORLDCHANGINGLOOKWEEVENPAYSOMEPEOPLETODOYOURLAUNDRYFOR_YOU% vouchers 4) some people collecting for something 5) a nice view of Canary Wharf and some ships

For this week's edition of News from Paddington, we have a special guest, Paddington Brown. Paddington Brown is well known for having invented the brown colour and founded Braun, a consumer goods company.

"Sir, are you aware you're a bear?"
"RAWR!"

And finally, next week on News from Paddington! A reveal of the new headquarters of News from Paddington! Will News from Paddington stay in Paddington? Or will it become News from somewhere else? Or perhaps it will be something else from Paddington? Maybe News something else Paddington? Find out next Friday! In the meantime, this has been News from Paddington! Stay safe and stay Paddington!



Comments

Sign in to post a comment.

Your text. Not someone else's JavaScript. Try Kimonote today!
Copyright © 2017–2018 Artjoms Iškovs (mildbyte.xyz). Questions? Comments? Suggestions? Contact support@kimonote.com.
Twitter | ProductHunt