News from Paddington, 2015-11-06

@mildbyte (RSS) on Nov. 6, 2015 (2 years, 6 months ago)

Tags: paddington | writing



"...I was visiting a bar there, not unlike this one. They serve beer, not quite as good as this, but close. ... So, I'm sitting there, and in walks the biggest News I have ever seen. Big as shit. Just walks right in like it owns the place. Now, nobody knew quite what to make of it, or quite what to think. There it was and in it walked."

Thank you, Steve Buscemi. Time for the really short flu/cold season edition of News from Paddington, named after what News from Paddington thinks it has after a two-week long paracetamol and ibuprofen binge that presumably keeps the fever and the rest of the pain away. Incidentally, if anyone ever tells you to have anything that is a fancy brand name for any two of those things and also gets offended when you instead pick up the store-branded chemical and calls you a fool, News from Paddington authorizes you to punch them in the face. Please don't mention News from Paddington when you do this -- we've had enough trouble with the Bobajam incident already. Do consider doing the same thing when you're recommended to overdose yourself on Vitamin C because that will only make sure that whoever drinks the piss of the person who drinks your piss will never have scurvy again. Prefer paracetamol to ibuprofen -- as far as News from Paddington knows, stomach lining transplants aren't a thing and liver transplants are. This should not be considered medical advice -- take this with a grain of salt. Incidentally, the jury is still out on gargling with salt.

Shout out to Arcot Verified by Visa for requiring both Flash and Javascript to be enabled in order to Verify things by Visa. While you're at it, do downgrade to SSL 3.0 and require your website to be viewed with IE 6.0. This cool new thing called ActiveX is also worth investigating. News from Paddington now feels like running up Edgware Road at midnight while wearing a gold chain and waving around several £50 notes would be a safer way to buy a Travelcard.

If you were food, where you would be? That's right, the next section.

  • Yo! Sushi (YOSushi? Yo? Sushi?) on Finchley Road. It has like a conveyor belt that goes in circles and the chef puts little plates on it with food and yells out "Fried chicken wings nigiri on the conveyor belt that goes in circles!" and then the plates travel around in circles and people pick them up if they're interested but mostly they aren't oh and the plates are like resistors in that they're colour-coded and you pay different amounts of money for different coloured plates and like a little slice of salmon costs a ton of money and some salad costs less but it's salad so hey and it's still too much money for salad. News from Paddington isn't very sophisticated. Also, News from Paddington has eaten some Oriental things and also knows enough about Oriental food to claim that sushi is not an everyday meal in Japanese households. Two Paddington points out of five.
  • Not many people are aware that McDonald's, a well-known public toilet chain, also sells food. News from Paddington tried its salad and it was fairly disappointing. A burger called the Big Mac that came with is was slightly better, though! Perhaps McDonald's might be onto something there and should focus on being a fast food place instead. Three Paddington points out of five with a positive outlook.
  • What do you know, it's our old friend, Chicken Cottage on Praed Street! When News from Paddington paid for half a grilled chicken and some salad, it instead received half a grilled chicken and some grilled chicken salad. Like they say in that ancient proverb, "the only thing better than half a grilled chicken and some grilled chicken salad is half a grilled chicken and a surprise grilled chicken salad". Chicken Cottage on Praed Street failed to disappoint again. Five well-deserved Paddington points out of five. And the right to be called what this bookshop in Australia is.



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